What doesn’t kill you makes you …?

Complete the sentence: What doesn’t kill you makes you ____

I’ll tell you – What Doesn’t Kill You gives you unhealthy coping mechanisms and a lifelong subscription to therapy sessions. In short, What doesn’t kill you makes you wish you were dead.

Of course, I’m talking about my loving family. My over-dramatic, manipulating, emotionally distant, criticizing, backstabbing, controlling, extra-loving toxic family. My parents are so loving they only have 3 agendas in their life:

• See us highly successful (parameters of success, obviously defined by them)
• Get me married to the person of their choice anyhow, before I reach my late 20s
• Keep us physically alive (‘cuz we’re already dead inside)

Let me be clear I am a very ungrateful daughter for saying all this after all the love, time, and money they’ve invested in me (which they never fail to mention), and also ’cause I know some parents are way worse.

Anyway, today at around 5:00 in the evening after hours of studying I felt like my mind was going to explode so I lied down for a nap. My mom saw this and that’s it! she yelled at me for straight 23 minutes and the things she said !!!! You would know my mental state right now if you’ve the same kind of parents. I want to yell and cry but I can’t. I can’t cry ’cause she’ll will re-enter my room anytime she want and then she’ll go on and on (AGAIN!) about how I’m worthless, lazy, undeserving and etcetera (and some more things that most mothers don’t say). I can never wrap my head around some of the things that my parents say let alone write here publicly. But I’ll go mad if I……………WHy am I even crying and complaining so much and butchering my keypad typing all this nonsense, honestly, today was nothing compared to rest of my …..

//…… (Redacting some parts of what I wrote after this. It was just too much)… Maybe I should delete this entire post.

.

Sometimes I think if our relationship would’ve been better if my mom or dad had walked out on me when I was young. Or if they were physically abusive. At least then I would’ve had a proper reason to hate them and maybe also a reason to forgive them thinking they were just product of their own childhood trauma. At this point I don’t even hate them. Hate seems like a strong word for parents who’ve provided for me, kept me alive and paid for my education and all. I can’t hate them . I’ll just have to hate myself for being so So…..IDK ! (Note to self: find a word for ‘pathetic melodramatic narcissistic loser)

Uughh…! … What am I even thinking? Abandoning your child and physical abuse is TOO MUCH. That’s worse than emotional abuse, I guess. How would that be any better than this? Idiot Idiot Me.

.

..

Do you guys ever go to sleep and wish to never wake up again? It happens to me all the time. Sometimes, after hours of sleep when I finally try to get up, I can not open my eyes, I’m conscious but I can’t move a limb as if my mind’s tricking my body to go into some sort of paralysis. I know for a fact that I’m not lazy. Maybe I’m tired or maybe I just really like to sleep. I sleep without dreams. I like to sleep ’cause it feels very close to death.

Last month, I thought maybe it will be easier and healthier if I live away from my family but no, they won’t let me. I have my savings I can live on my own, I used to live alone for years until the pandemic. IDK what to do anymore. I need to run away from home or I need to break down in front of them and yell at them for making me wish I was never born. Who am I kidding…How will I live with the guilt of causing them pain if take any of these paths? Guess, this is why everyone says that love is not enough. In those 23 minutes, I wish my mom had looked at me (like really looked at me) then she would’ve noticed that it was not the right time to yell and force me to get up and study again. I enjoyed studying. I enjoyed challenges. Now no more. Everything’s ruined.

I think I’m gonna cry and little more.

Gtg.

Bye!

How would you complete the sentence: What doesn’t kill you makes you ______