UPSC Prelims Failure hit harder than it seems.
Around 13 lakh students appeared for the UPSC Pre 2023 this year, out of which only ~14,000 got selected for Mains and even fewer will be selected for the final round.
Nothing matters ’cause I failed at the very first stage. I FAILED AGAIN ! I FAILED !
At the behest of my family, I’ve started studying again with all the focus and determination I could gather but low-key I’m still struggling with the burden of failure that I’ve to carry around with me wherever I go. I know you are supposed to call every failure a ‘life lesson’ but I’m gonna call it a ‘burden’ anyway ’cause it’s so heavy my heart sinks every time I think about it. Call me a sore loser for what I care but I’m not ready to believe that I’m the only one feeling this way.
The truth about what every failure does to a civil service aspirant or at least what it did to me.
#The burden of lost confidence
It was hard enough when I failed the first time but failing again, it feels like I’ve suffered a mental dislocation. My confidence is crushed and my determination all lost.
The first time I was still a novice and had no guidance so I made it a point to correct all my mistakes to a point where nothing can go wrong and work hard and smart for the next prelims. I did as I planned. Guess why this is so hard. Had I not been so invested in this exam, do you think I’d feel so hopeless today?
After 28th May (UPSC Pre), I had another exam on 2nd July (EPFO) and couldn’t study for that ’cause it was impossible for me to not think about what went wrong with my Prelims exam. I had no answers. I literally had to force my will to study for EPFO when all I wanted to do was flip the Prelims question paper and cry non-stop. I remained restless. I still am. Obviously, I messed up the EPFO exam.
I briefly started to question myself and whether I should just apply for further studies abroad like the rest of my engineering college friends, I have a better chance there than in my own country. Students who sit in the exam are the cream of this country, toppers and all-rounder students from every village and district of every state. With every failure, the system is crushing our confidence and hope.
#The burden of luck
Oh! This is a new one…introduced exclusively and massively for aspirants this year (2023). Kind regards from UPSC!
Whoever said ‘Success is one percent luck and ninety-nine percent perspiration.’ has never given UPSC Prelims exam.
I’m not the one for toxic positivity sh*t, so I’m being honest when I say, ‘ This sucks! to the point where I hate every person who set the question paper of this year’s prelims’. Those who appeared this year know that I’m not exaggerating when I say that the paper was random af, boiling down everything to the most unfair thing in the whole world i.e. ‘luck’. Every exam has a certain 10-20% luck factor attached to it , which is fine, but this year’s paper took it took a whole new level. Of course, that’s strictly as per my opinion.
#The burden of dream
Yes, it was my dream to sit for this exam but my parents rolled in super enthusiastically in the hope of having an IAS officer in their family and then it became the dream of the whole family. I guess this is how dream become a burden. My parents’ hopes escalated into an obsession real quick!
and now no matter what I do they don’t feel satisfied with my preparation. There’s always something I’m doing wrong. On top of everything, some teachers/toppers on social media have the audacity to misinform our parents about how ‘easy’ it is to crack the exam. Uugh..these coaching mafias..!!! Well, that’s a discussion for some other day…
The question is if I should look up to the toppers who failed several times and then qualified in the last few attempts. I mean it does sound very reassuring but statistically, the number of aspirants who failed several times just to fail again in their last attempt is far more than such toppers. I can go back to corporate but I don’t want to. And where I want to be, I can’t go ’cause I failed. Where does that leave me?
This is the thing about dreams and ambitions, every dream has a way of getting stuck in your throat like a morsel you can’t digest nor spit out and the longer it remains stuck the more there’s a chance it’ll choke you to death. Now the question is whether to spit it out or wait till it gulps down my throat. I wish I knew the answer to that.
The only thing I know for now is that I’m not a failure and maybe to prove that I’ll have to keep studying. I can’t stop studying, not yet. Either I’m too young or too stupid to not give up right now….Hey bhagwaan ! HELP ME !!!
I may be failing but I’m not a failure. None of us are.
We’re all probably just feeling stuck or lost. I can go on and on…but I’ll stop blabbering for now. Hopefully, I’ll be in a better place the next time I write.
Goodnight!