Hey aspirants! What’s up?
I’m listening to Maneskin and reading articles on Google about ‘why I hate my birthday?’. Turns out ‘Birthday blues’ is valid and a very common phenomenon (does it qualify to be called a phenomenon? whatev)
Today was my childhood friend’s birthday and tomorrow it’s mine. I enjoy celebrating others’ birthday but it feels stupid when it’s my turn.
If you think I’m going to reveal some tragic or traumatic childhood incident that made me hate my own birthday, lemme tell you that nothing of that sort ever happened. I get the concept of celebration, I just don’t approve of it in my case. I was born once. And I see no point in celebrating it every year. Turning a year older is not that big of an achievement. On second thought if you see it as successfully living another year without killing myself, then I guess it’s a very big achievement.
My resentment may be due to the fact that it draws attention to me which is painfully unbearable (esp. the part where people gather around you to sing the Happy Birthday song). It just feels like a designated day where you must feel happy, the pressure to feel overjoyed on birthdays is so much that I cry on that day every year.
What’s so different or special about tomorrow anyway? I don’t think I even want it to feel special. I’ll get up in the morning and live my life the way it is. I’m still the same. My life’s still the same. Nothing’s different or special about it. It was a milestone when I turned 3 and started school and when I turned 11 and was allowed to replace pencils with pens in school. It was special when I turned 13 (became a teenager) and when I turned 16 (moved out of parents’ house), then 18 (got into engg. college, bought my own booze), and then 21 when I got my first job. Nothing happened after that. It’ll be a milestone when I start my career again. Leave a normal year, even in these milestone years I don’t remember ever feeling excited about birthdays or any other celebration. I was just excited about these little things which felt like a milestone at that time.
I’ll still celebrate the day with my friends and family like every other year, but that feels like a compulsion, a social ritual. I think I’m repeating myself…My point is NOT BEING OVERJOYED FOR BIRTHDAYS AND NOT CELEBRATING IT SHOULD BE NORMALISED. I don’t need a reason to not want something. If I say I don’t want a party…I REALLY DONT WANT IT. PERIOD. That doesn’t mean you have to go behind my back and plan a secret surprise shit. Why is it so hard for everyone to understand that I don’t need a surprise party (that they can’t even keep a surprise)? I f***ing hate surprises. I don’t like gifts either (except if that gift is a book). I don’t want to pretend and stick a smile on my face. I mean it when I say these things. But nobody believes it. Apparently, there’s some universal law that ‘women love surprises and like it when you make them feel special. You should treat them with gifts and flowers even when they say otherwise.’
I should shut up. I’m just spewing fire in anger. Super pissed right now!
You can go on and judge me (I deserve that maybe) for being thankless about having people who wanna celebrate my day – I know I’m luckier than many people, I’m very aware of it, I remind myself of it all the time and maybe that’s why I stay put in my place.
I’m gonna stop here ’cause I must sleep early to avoid all midnight birthday wishes and calls. (Whoever thought it was a good idea to wish at midnight must burn in hell for ten thousand years.)
Now diss me while I mentally prepare myself for tomorrow.
Good night!
Bye