Note: This was written quite some time ago. TBH I feel it’s written immaturely but then again when am I not embarrassed with my own content. So I chose to retain this instead of trying to come up with an impossibly perfect first blog.
Do you remember the last time you had a heartfelt conversation with someone? I don’t.
Ever since I started preparing for this exam my life has been caged inside my room and all I see is heaps of books and ink-filled pages. I don’t live in Delhi or any other coaching hub, naturally I don’t have any ‘real’ connection with other aspirants (not counting the aspirants I follow on YT and IG for fun casual posts and aesthetic study vlogs). Sometimes I feel awfully alone in the whole process as if I’m a ghost of a person and don’t really exist in real world, I thought I got used to this life but I couldn’t be more wrong.
….I talk to myself. I write to myself. I have gotten too comfortable in my own company, I don’t feel the need to be around anyone anymore. It has never been a problem for me but lately, it seems like everyone’s talking about some or the other thing, Sometimes they know what they’re talking about and sometimes they have no fucking clue, which is normal. They may not be so devoted to listening (also normal!) but at least they speak and puke out all the mess that’s in their head. I don’t do that. I have never done that. To be able to yell at someone when you’re angry and show vulnerability when you’re scared is a privilege. To be able to let your emotions take control of you, have tears roll down your cheeks, and say all your stupid feelings out loud is a privilege. To tell someone how you actually feel in the moment is a privilege. To converse is a privilege. I don’t have that…. not even a little… What does it feel like to bare your heart and not keep things buried inside you? I don’t remember the last time I cried in front of anyone, must be during primary years of school (the sad part is, I’m not even kidding). I don’t think I know how to express myself even when I’m allowed to. I can’t speak. I can write tho. Writing is easier than speaking… . . .
Long story short – I was thinking about a lot of useless things and I created this blog site on a whim. In my defense, it was Sunday, I was bored and was feeling a li’l under-privileged (just kidding!). This blog makes no sense now, which is funny ’cause that day this felt like the most brilliant thought that ever crossed my mind.
Anyhow, in a very ‘UPSC aspirant-fashion’ I forgot all about this blog site after creating it and started worrying about next year’s exam. Now that I’m back here after 2 months and have already gone through the pain of creating a very useless ‘About’ page, I’m going to try and make this work.
Privacy is so overrated anyway. Doesn’t it feel like an illusion? I’ve tried to hold on to it for so many years, all in vain, nothing remains private or hidden for long. We can only try and choose people and manner in which our lives will be revealed. I choose this blog. Now I’m gonna let go and run the other way : Self-invade my privacy and put it out for the world to judge me for my boring insufferable self.
Honestly, I know not many people will be reading this so that gives me comfort.😌
That’s it. Bye!